Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Wedding bells for Alex and Claire…Circus Flora, St Louis, 120614

June 13, 2014

​Wow…Ruth…thank you for sending me this link.​

(On Wed, Jun 11, 2014 at 10:13 PM, Ruth Hartsell wrote:)
watch the video…..this is the guy that you met on the plane previously…..guess they are going to get married…..nice story……

​Lynx, Duck, Tonty…I’d first met Alex Wallenda on a flight out of St.Louis:


And last year, when I voluteered at Circus Flora with Ruth (who has introduced me to so many volunteering opportunities in St.Louis!), I met Claire and Alex:


almost exactly 2 years ago! (15th of June!)

Alex, Claire…it’s lovely to see you getting together in the holy bonds of matrimony….I will be in St.Louis from August; I do not know if you two will be in St.Louis there, or practising elsewhere…but wherever you are, our good wishes go with you, for many more happy years of togetherness!

My family, including my grandchildren, came and watched the circus a few days ago…so I thought they, too, would be interested in the wedding bells ringing out!

Lots of love, Deepa.

Thoughts about an Indian marriage

September 23, 2013

When a couple move from love tomarriage..they begin to navigate the thorny thickets of social customs, unspoken expectations, implicit equations, and the general interaction of personalities…marriage in India is not to one person but to the immediate, and extended, family…and is more complicated than any corporate management job!

“My own GPS”

July 17, 2013

Perhaps a little sexist…but I still liked it!

I have a little GPS
I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
“It’s thirty miles an hour”, it says
“You’re doing thirty five”

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I’m sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I’m properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And – keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damn thing off.


Blasts from the past…

July 10, 2013

KM’s cousin, Raju Srikumar, put up a lot of family photographs on FB, and I downloaded these….

Here’s KM and his family (I think the youngest brother wasn’t yet born!)..this must be circa 1960:

aapnk 1960 probably

Here I am, with AM (who’s definitely less than a year old, so this must be early 1979), in Santhome, in Chennai:

am dm santhome 1979

Here’s my father, holding AM, in Bompas Road, Kolkata, in September 1979:

ambu sntm 1977

The photo below is from October 1979; it was also taken in Santhome.

Here’s a pic where my brother seems to have joined all of us. As says, probably faking the “good boy” look before going out on the town! I was lucky to have a brother and brother in laws who were on excellent terms..and in my mind, there was no difference between them…my brothers in law, too, were extremely affectionate.

Memories suddenly surfaced today…they are both happy and painful. Life has always been a mixture of the good and the bad, but the good has always predominated, and I am fortunate, and grateful for that!

Requiem for a marriage

June 3, 2013

020676 dm wedding photo Photo0048.jpg

Today (2nd June) I functioned on two levels..on one, being myself, being with everyone, laughing and joking…on another…..hell. 37 years. Starting with good ones….obviously, getting worse all the time. Died on January 24th, 2013.

What a failure I am. Apparently, I should not think this…but I do. I know that grief heals in time…but not yet, not yet. I cannot forgive myself. It’s much easier to forgive others, than to forgive oneself.

Took me the whole day to decide to post this. My heart is still on fire.

Thoughts about marriage

September 6, 2012

I had made

this post

with a photograph of an astrolger’s board. When I posted a link to it recently, I got this reply from :

“Who started the institution called ‘Marriage’ I want to know? Can the Jothishi baba enlighten us?
“Baba & bloggers I have my own discourse on life’s troubles, hear me out, as its free of cost (like everything else which is useless.) Marriage is the root of all the troubles, eliminate it and live happily. No Marriage. No need of a steady job. Take up any employment to feed yourself you don;t need job security if you;re single. Formal education is the trump card played mostly during match making, you can always be a guitarist or a painter and be single for all the world that cares about Degree->Dowry match making. No marriage No Husband No wife, No court, no enemies! Can’t guarantee on sickness though, it might hit you anytime single, double or divorced & no mantra tantra can help you in that! & what’s that abroad?!! If you’re single you can live happily in India or Africa! Abroad is again linked to this whole NRI-marriage sham. Sorry baba but if people (Particularly middle-class Indians am refering to) had ‘gyan’ they would not have all these ‘issues’ and they would not need you in the first place.”

My response was:

“Seriously, I think marriage, as an institution, developed in the days when children were born not by choice….and their safety and care was paramount, along with that of the woman who cared for them and reared them. And since it is still the most stable relationship between two people (of any sex), it endures, so much so that many people in same-sex relationships want the bond of marriage. However, today, when some(but alas, nowhere near all) women have the choice of having children or not, and when many women have economic independence, perhaps marriage is less a desirable than it used to be…but women do seek a stable relationship for many reasons, so I don’t see marriage fading away any time soon. We also need the rites of passage that a wedding ceremony entails….”

Beginnings and endings

July 16, 2012

Dawn approaches.
But there is dusk in my heart.
More than three decades later,
We are moving apart.

No…perhaps we moved
Away from each other
Long ago…we are not spouses:
Just Father, and Mother.

When the bonds of a marriage
Dissolve, and break…
Acceptance and maturity
Are wise ways to take.

I’d like to disprove the general rule
That we can no longer be friends.
We can care for, and like each other
Even when our marriage ends.

Dawn colours the sky.
It lights my heart, too.
I may not know what we face..
At least, despair’s not in view.

Arranged marriage…a video, and my thoughts

August 23, 2011

They talk about 90% of marriages in India and show only the urban, educated people who are equal to each other, which is a miniscule minority in our country. In most marriages, the woman has hardly any say in the process. And the fact that only 5% end in divorce…is often NOT because the marriage is successful….it’s because other options are not feasible.

If all marriages could take place after such honest dialogue (and notice, the guy professes his strong predeliction within a short time and bowls her over)….probably marriages would be 100% successful.

Within the very narrow framework of the English-speaking, “both-are-equally-educated-articulate-and-honest” urban youth…it’s a well-made video….but extrapolating to the entire Indian scenario is not a valid step at all. The guy that brings them the tea/coffee…how does HIS wedding process go? In all probability, he goes to his village, where his parents have selected a girl for him, depending upon what she can earn, and what dowry she’ll bring (oh yes.)…and he’s the one who can agree or refuse, not her.

My maid got married when I was away in the US. She is all of 23, and her family has been very worried because three or four prospective grooms said “no” to her because she is “dark” and “fat”. She came back home to spend the inauspicious month (AshAdhA, or Adi) at her mother’s place.

Her husband was with her, and would not even allow her to come and visit the people for whom she worked (she was like family to me.) I just spoke to her on the phone, and I might not see her even when she comes for Deepavali, because, once again, she will be accompanied by her husband, who will dictate what she can and cannot do.

From being a free bird, who was earning well, had a happy circle of friends, she’s become a young woman who is not going to be allowed to work, must spend the days doing housework and gossiping, with the wings of her independence clipped. And why? Because the astrologer decreed that if she doesn’t get married now, she will never be married, and she will be an obstacle to the marriage of her sisters, and a waiting-in-the-wings cousin.

“They don’t beat her,and he doesn’t drink”, her sister tells me, trying to find some good in this alliance. Then she gets to wondering, “How is she going to live this kind of tied-down life?”

I have nothing against arranged marriages…when they are entered into with free choice on both sides. Alas, that does not happen often, in our country.

Kite in the Evening Sky….

January 21, 2009

Here’s an image I liked a lot…

Today, I met someone who was my neighbour many years ago; he remarried after the death of his wife. My friend remarked, “Why does he want to marry at that age?” And I took exception, because I cannot believe that any age is the wrong age to marry. If one needs someone by one’s side, for whatever reason, and is willing to make the commitment for it, and feels happy in the relationship, should age be a bar to that?

I just cannot agree with those who feel that marriage is only for a particular age group. And I object to the age-ism that unthinkingly makes such pronouncements.

What do you all feel? Must all adults turn more and more spiritual as they age (well, that’s what Hinduism says…after grihastaashrama, comes vAnaprasthAshramA, heading towards sannyAsam or total renunciation) , or should it (as I believe) be a choice that they can, and should, make themselves?

Children…and Marriage

December 9, 2008

No, I don’t have the order of events wrong. I am not talking about marriage and then children…I am talking about children who want to get married.

In the past week, two of my friends…yes, well, they ARE friends, though they are close to my daughter’s age….have called with the news that they are getting married…or planning to.

In one instance, the young man and woman who want to get married belong to communities that are not very different from one another. Though the couple in question were apprehensive about how the parents would take it (the couple met at work, though at the moment they work in different cities)…but things seem to have gone smoothly, and a jubilant SMS announced to me that AY and ST would now be getting engaged officially.

What a difference between this and the other couple! They do not belong to the same religion and this, for some reason, is an insuperable objection to one set of parents. Their opposition has, I think, brought about the couple’s decision to marry forthwith.

In India, the whole family is invested in the marriage, that’s a fine thing. But that doesn’t mean that the family can also dictate whom the young man or woman can marry. When are we parents going to realize that our children may be biologically our children, but they are adults leading their own lives? If they are telling us about the people they want to marry, it’s just their affectionate way of including us in their lives. I think we have as little right to make objections to our child’s choice of spouse, as we have to interfere in our neighbour’s child’s wedding!

I strongly feel that if a parent strips the tags from the person hes child has chosen, s/he will find a person that would not be very different from the parent’s own choice. And to me, the fact that my child has found hes own partner is a validation of the way I have brought that child up…s/he is now an adult and thinking on hes own. If, of course, I am *asked* find a spouse for my child through the arranged marriage setup, that is my duty and I will do it, too.

But parents, wake up! The days of “control” are over loooong ago..if we accept our child’s choice and try to get to know the spouse-to-be, we may awaken a resultant affection in that person, and since it’s going to be a lifelong relationship, having such a positive start is surely a better thing to do than to make objections and awaken negative feelings in the heart of the person with whom your child proposes to spend hes life.

You may, or may not, like your daughter- or son-in-law (or partner, of either sex.) But isn’t it better to see if you can like each other, before giving up?

I feel parents often complicate their own lives with unreasonable expectations and worries of “what will others say”…

And if my grown-up child is making a mistake…what of that? Are there no parent-arranged marriages which don’t work out? Every marriage, once the knot is tied, is about two people and two families getting together; it’s a working out of relationships.

If you support your child’s choice today, IF something goes wrong tomorrow, s/he will turn to you and you can support them through the marital difficulties. By opposing the child today, you are cutting your child off from you, and more important, yourself from your child.

How I wish I could call up some people and make them see how simple it would be to be happy and peaceful….!