Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

Multilingual humour

June 28, 2017

What do you call a bee that comes from America?

USB

What do you call a lady who drinks only one tea in a day?

Jaswanti

Why don’t people clap in Afghanistan?

Because of ‘Tali-ban’

How do you ask your ‘Maasi’ to take a dip in water?

Diplomacy!馃榾馃榾

How do you say “she is calling a cab” in one word?

Vocabulary

Which Pakistani cricketer does not have a date of birth?

Umar Gul

What you call a fat girl waiting at the Bus Stop.

MOTIVATING.

Ghastly Hindi jokes about celebs

September 14, 2014

Pankaj fell in love
Pankaj married
Pankaj divorced
Pankaj udaas

Sonia was walking
Sonia slipped
Sonia fell into the drain
Sonia gandhi

Sameera went to parlor
Sameera did her hair
Sameera did her makeup
Sameera reddy

Kangana hit the ball
Kangana took a single
Kangana did not reach the crease
Kangana ranaut

Hrithik buys bulb
Hrithik puts bulb in socket
Hrithik switches bulb on
Hrithik roshan

June 30, 2014

It was a wonderful experience to go to Gamla Linkoping (the old town of Linkoping), where heritage buildings have been brought in and re-built with every possible care. There are several museums, housed in these old buildings, that visitors can walk into. In the whole area, many people who are in period costumes walk about; and today, when the local newspaper was pushed into the mail slot, I found out a bit more about two musicians whom I met there.

Here’s Jacek Malisz, with his accordion:

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And here’s Lasse Strom (er, that “o” should have an umlaut), with his “Strohfiol”, which is a violin with an amplifier:

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And here they are, playing together.

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Jacek’s accordion, he told me, was over a hundred years old. Lasse was very much more witty; he had a “spiel” of dialogue ready for the tourist that I was. He told me how the basic element of the violin had been integrated with this amplifier (it was made of aluminium) for the better carrying of the sound, in the days before microphones and loudspeakers (and, indeed, electricity) were in place.

“Do your children also play this?” I asked him. “No!” he said emphatically. “When a child learns an instrument, it’s cruel for everyone else around to hear it!” “But your parents somehow put up with the noise of *your* learning,” I laughed; and he laughed with me. “Regarding music…one of my daughters has a ear,” he said, and I nodded sagely, understanding about having a ear for music. Then, of course, he added, “The other one has TWO ears!” and laughed happily at having cracked a good joke!It was my turn to laugh with him!

I am trying to get the link to the newspaper article about them (it appears in the “Summer” supplement to the June 25/26 issue of “Linkopings Posten”). , if you could help me, I’d be very grateful, I’ve not been successful yet!

With the help of Google Translate, I’ve learnt that the two musicians have been playing at Gamla Linkoping for the past 32 years, but this is going to be stopped soon…sorry, I couldn’t wade through the entire article, typing it out on Google Translate!

Semma Kadi (PJ’s in Tamizh)

April 28, 2014

Untranslatable, so I am leaving them as they are….

Nama adicha athu mottai,
Athuva vilundha athu sottai!

‘Dye’ na mandayila podurathu,
‘Die’ na mandaya podurathu

Thannikulla kappal pona jolly…
Kappalkulla thanni pona gali…
elephant mela namma ukandha savari
elephant namma mela okandha oppari!!!!

Running racela kaal evalavu vegama odinaalum, !
Pri鈥媧鈥媏 kaikuthaan kedaikkum!!

Sodava fridgela vacha cooling soda aagum, Athukkaaga atha washing
machinela vac鈥嬧媓a washing soda aagumaa!!

kovil maniya namma adicha saththam varum…
aana kovil mani nammala adicha raththam than varum….

South India-la Narthangai kidaikkum.
Aaana, North India-la Southangai kidaikuma?

Pant Pottu Muttipoda mudiyum aanaaa
muttipottu pant poda mudiyumaa………..

Today’s punch:
Thanneera Thanninnu sollalaam
Panneera panninnu solla mudiyuma?

Politics and politicians…both are jokes

April 10, 2012

The problem with political jokes is
they get elected.
~ Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves
and appoint the great ones to public office.
~ Aesop
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us
in these acceptance speeches
there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
~ Will Rogers
Those who are too smart to engage in politics
are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber.
~ Plato
Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge
even where there is no river.
~ Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told
that anybody could become President;
I’m beginning to believe it
~ Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced;
go into politics and
your opponents will do it for you.
~ Author Unknown
If God wanted us to vote,
he would have given us candidates.
~ Jay Leno
Politicians are people who,
when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
go out and buy some more tunnel.
~ John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of
getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich,
by promising to protect each from the other.
~ Oscar Ameringer
I offer my opponents a bargain:
if they will stop telling lies about us,
I will stop telling the truth about them.
~ Adlai Stevenson
Campaign Speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who
will lay down your life for his country.
~ Texas Guinan
Any American who is prepared to run for president
should automatically, by definition,
be disqualified from ever doing so.
~ Gore Vidal
I have come to the conclusion
that politics is too serious a matter
to be left to the politicians.
~ Charles de Gaulle
Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession .
I have come to realize that it
bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~ Ronald Reagan
Politics:
[Poly “many” + tics “blood-sucking parasites”]
~ Larry Hardiman
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,
it might be better to change the locks.
~ Doug Larson
Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
~ Author Unknown
There ought to be one day
— just one —
when there is open season on senators.
~ Will Rogers

Ponderisms…

October 24, 2011

Ponderisms

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE

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2. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)

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3. OK ….. so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the ‘Jags’ and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the ‘Bucs,’ what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

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7. If a pig loses the “grrrunt’ in its voice, is it disgruntled?

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8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

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9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

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10. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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14. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

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15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me … they’re cramming for their final exam.

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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

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18. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

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24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells … ‘THEIRS’?

Points to Ponder, as Readers’ Digest says…

September 7, 2011

PONDERISMS
路 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
路 Life is sexually transmitted.
路 Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
路 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
路 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
路 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
路 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
路 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’?
路 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
路 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
路 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
路 Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
路 Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Liked this one…

June 26, 2007

Before marriage:

read from top to bottom.

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?

After marriage:

read from bottom to top !

Want some new jokes

December 19, 2006

Are there NO new jokes (except topical ones ) left in this world? EVERY joke that I have got in the past few months are ones I have seen before, some more than a decade ago…

Oh please..if you have heard any fresh ones lately (non-veg jokes gleefully accepted) please send them along to me….I am waiting…as the lady said as she tucked into a triple chocolate ice-cream shake.

Useful Military Warnings, posted by

October 29, 2006

….


jokes

[kitanaor]

“Aim towards the Enemy.”
– Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
– U.S. Army

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
– U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
– Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
– Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
– U.S. Air Force Manual

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
– Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.”
– U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.”
– Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
– Col. David Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.”
– Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
– Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.”
– Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
– Unknown Army Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
– Your Buddies

(And lastly) “If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.”