Posts Tagged ‘joke’

How the truth is stated….

August 2, 2014

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor ?

‘Of course child. What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’

“With your face, Father, no one will question you”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare..”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,”And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused..”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next please..!’

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Excellent procedure…

October 17, 2011

No racial profiling in Israel. Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
You step into an armoured booth that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”

Death of a Parrot

July 7, 2011

“Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”.
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”
“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”
“Yes, Senor Rod.”
“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”
“Your wife’s, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your golf club.”
SILENCE……….. LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.
“My new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft? Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!”

A birding tale….

February 5, 2009

Got this from Shyamal. I had forgotten how much it made me laugh the first time I read it, so I laughed all over again!

This is an apocryphal tale naturally. The metal bands used for bird ringing in the US once had the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
“Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Here’s a warbler (possibly BLYTH’S REED WARBLER, possibly not! All those warblers on the bird book pages look exactly alike to me!)

See you lot tomorrow….

Neologisms

January 31, 2009

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n .) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.) , an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright idea s from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spra y-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito thatgets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast
out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole

Walmart Fine Wine

January 13, 2009

Walmart announced that, sometime in 2009, it will begin offering customers a new discount item —- Walmart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 – $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts,but “there is a market for inexpensive wine,” said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas. “But the right name is important.”

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can’t Believe it’s not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

Actually, I want a job doing this kind of research…how to find such a great, cushy job that will PAY me for pfaffing around?

Since I seem to have sex on the brain….

July 7, 2008

A friend of mine went to a saree shop, and wanted to look at some of the sarees. She was flabbergasted to hear the counter assistant ask helpfully, “Madam, you want to see sex bawdy?”

She blinked and then the assistant showed her …sarees with checks all over the body of the fabric…

Hook,line and sinker

April 3, 2008

My daughter and son-in-law came back from their skiing vacation in Aspen, and she told me that D had fallen and broken his leg. I expressed concern and the glee of the “April Fool” came clearly down the wires. I told her it was April third ( and April 2 for her)…but she was unrepentant…the dearest IDIOT! :)))

No, that is not what is irritating me! That..is something that I hope will pass. It WILL pass (like Jesus, who never fails.)

Lousy jokes DO cheer me up a lot.

Tormentrobes

January 26, 2008

I canNOT get over it. They are clothes of torture, garments of ghastliness.

I mean hospital gowns. Recently, my daughter had to wear one.

They instantly rob one of the dignity of an individual, and by exposing one’s back and backside, bring one down to the awful anonymity of a that sad creature, a “hospital patient” or, even more facelessly, “Bed no. 4568” or “Room 410B”.

But WHY? There must, I realize, be a specific reason why they flap open at the back like that. Perhaps, nurses and others want instant access to all sorts of skin and muscle, and it is less of an embarassment to show one’s backside,which looks alike on one and all, than one’s…er…frontside, which is rather more unique and more “private”….but why on earth must they have those awful two ties and no privacy at all otherwise? Instead of those two horrible ties, a strip of velcro could ensure instant access and yet ensure some semblance of coverage, too, when access is not required.

My daughter’s hospital gown was even more hilarious as it came with an assortment of press buttons which took 3 of us 15 minutes to figure out…the press buttons, pressed, created two sleeves…but of COURSE the back of the gown was nice and …free..and open, and if the situation had not been so serious, it would have had me laughing right then. Why were those press buttons needed for the sleeves? Why could they not be used for the back? I still cannot work it out.

And to add insult to injury, the gown often results in a feeling of chill and cold on one’s unprotected body in the air-conditioned hospital room, especially when one is ill and has low resistance or endurance. I always visualize a person in hospital having goose-pimpled skin with that kind of…er, exposure.

Here’s the lovely cartoon that brought on this post…

hospital gowns 250108

As Americans would say, of things which are not good….”bummer”!!

What’s the difference…?

August 29, 2007

The hotel we stayed at in Kochi had life-size models of elephants sitting all round a central building in their front lawn…and this angle to one of them was too good to miss….

sitting elephant taj malabar hotel kochi kerala

And the post title?

Q. “What’s the difference between a post-box and an elephant’s backside?”

The answer is usually, “I don’t know”, and the response to that is,

“I’ll never ask you to post a letter for me…”