Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Multilingual humour

June 28, 2017

What do you call a bee that comes from America?

USB

What do you call a lady who drinks only one tea in a day?

Jaswanti

Why don’t people clap in Afghanistan?

Because of ‘Tali-ban’

How do you ask your ‘Maasi’ to take a dip in water?

Diplomacy!😀😀

How do you say “she is calling a cab” in one word?

Vocabulary

Which Pakistani cricketer does not have a date of birth?

Umar Gul

What you call a fat girl waiting at the Bus Stop.

MOTIVATING.

A life lesson and offer of help, Mysore trip, 240517

May 27, 2017

Everybody can dance…

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We must

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But if,during all that dancing, you get an acute abdomen,

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We can help

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This message comes to you from the

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And of course, from Anjana and me:

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Mr Mathrubhootham and airline travel, 150417

April 15, 2017

Dear Sir/Madam,

I write to you following a conversation I have just had with one of my grandchildren. I call him Arun. But his real name is some modern confusion that his parents found on the Internet. Aryamaan or Antenna or Aquarium or something like that. I only call him Arun. Because at most I have 10 good years left on this earth and I can’t waste eight of those trying to address him or his sister Shamiana.

So Arun came running a few minutes ago and showed me a WhatsApp video of a passenger being dragged off a plane in the United States. In the video you can see that he has been hurt quite severely. Poor fellow.

“Can you believe this?” Arun asked me.

“Keep quiet,” I told him, “and look at all the other passengers. Look at how they are sitting with so much discipline!”

Arun grabbed his phone and went away complaining that I lacked humanity for other people. As if he has been building free hospitals for the downtrodden with his bare hands since the age of 6.

Sir/madam, if there is any aspect of human life in which I would sanction the use of excessive force, it is air travel. From the very moment you step into an airport you come face to face with the very worst examples of humanity.

Some months ago I had the opportunity to take a short flight from Chennai to Bengaluru for a family function. First I had to show my passport and ticket to enter the airport. Then I had to show my ticket but not passport to stand in a line. At the end of the line a third fellow wanted to see my passport and ticket to give me a boarding pass. Then a fourth policeman wanted to see boarding pass but not passport, and my ticket he treated with contempt. And then I told Mrs. Mathrubootham that she can go to Kochi by herself, I am going back home because even Veerappan was not investigated so much.

But she persuaded me and I proceeded to the departure hall. There I approached a pleasant young lady in a modest shop and purchased two vegetarian samosas and two cups of tea. For this I paid so much money that I told my wife that we will share one samosa and keep the other one in bank locker in case of any family emergency. Shameless black-marketing.

And finally I met the worst of the worst: other passengers. Sir/madam, never in my life have I met a group of people dedicated to the act of doing the exact opposite of what they are told. Ask them to stand up and they will sit down. Ask them to sit down and they will stand up. Ask for only families to board, and every single bachelor will run. Ask them to keep boarding pass ready and they will hold in their hands every piece of paper from their life including passport, ticket, PAN Card, Aadhaar card, marriage certificate, Padayappa matinee ticket, but not boarding pass.

Things only got worse on the flight. One young couple sitting in front of me, perhaps on honeymoon, were behaving as if they are one of those insects that come out in the rainy season and have only fifteen minutes to produce children before dying. My wife spent the entire flight reading the air-sickness bag.

Finally, when I reached Kochi the airline informed me that my bag was still in Chennai. It is OK, I said, I will buy a whole new wardrobe after selling this samosa.

Sir/madam, therefore you will understand why I am not entirely against better discipline in the field of air travel. Of course there should be no violence or dragging or bleeding and all that. Maybe just a little bit in case of emergency.

Yours in exasperation,

J Mathrubootham

Colourful buses….

April 11, 2017

One of the things that interest me very much is the wonderful colours of the buses that ply on our roads….the mofussil (sub-urban) buses, and those that connect the various towns of our State.

I had a bonanza when, on our way back from

Sarkrebailu

after seeing the rehabilitated elephants, we came to the Shivamogga bus terminus.

There were a whole row of colourful beauties. I won’t say anything more, but let the colours, the images and the words talk for themselves!

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For a break, here are a row of apples (iPads?)

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Another break with the co-existence of two species:

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Some more children:

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The Tiger Fighter bus had a lovely pic of Tipu fighting the tiger:

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I feasted my eyes as I took an ordinary-coloured bus to go back to Ayanur!

Forms of poetry and verse

March 2, 2017

My friend Janet asked for 10 prompts about which she would write haikus.

To this, someone asked:

“Yeh haiku kaiku?” (Why this haiku?)

And my response was:

When we cannot think
Straight, or write words as is done–
We pen a haiku!

To this Chiddu said:

I love to ride my bike-u
This is my 1st two line haiku!

and I responded with a limerick:

When we talked of haiku
And someone asked, “Yeh kaiku?”
Though you made a bhool
And you broke the rule
Your haiku on baiku…I laiku!

(bhool=mistake in Hindi)

I love bu**-shi##ing in verse!

Mukesh Ambani’s woes

November 6, 2016

YOU THINK MUKESH AMBANI DOESN’T HAVE PROBLEMS. ….

Mukesh bhai gets up from his bed room on 15th floor,
takes a swim in the swimming pool on 17th floor,
has breakfast on the 19th floor,
dresses up for office on 14th floor,
collects his files and office bag from his personal office on 21st floor,
wishes bye to wife Nita on 16th floor,
says ‘see you’ to his children on 13th floor & 19th floor,
and goes down on 3rd floor to self drive his 2.5 Crore BMW to office, but then he finds out that he has forgotten the car keys upstairs.
But on which floor? … 15th,17th,19th,14th,
21st,16th or 13th?

He phones all his servants, cooks, maids, secretaries, pool attendants, gymtrainers, lift attendants etc. on all the floors.

There is a hectic search and lot of running around on all the floors, but the key is not traceable.

Fed up, after half an hour of frantic search, Mukesh bhai leaves in a huff in a chauffeur driven Ikon car.

At 3.30 pm late in the afternoon, it is discovered that 4 days back, a temporary replacement maid had washed Mukesh bhai’s pant and hung it to dry on a string in the balcony of 16th floor, with car keys in the pant pocket.
The key was blown away somewhere by the high winds at 16th floorlevel and was never found.
This was detected because of Nita’s habit of checking clothes given for ironing personally.

Meanwhile, after 3 days of the incident, Nita Ambani with all irritation writ large on her face, complained to Mukesh bhai asking him where he was roaming till 3 am last night.

Mukesh replied that he was at home all night. “Then why did the helicopter land in the terrace at 3 am? I was so worried. I could not sleep whole night,” quizzed Nita.

“Oh that helicopter”.. That helicopter came from Germany, sent by guys from BMW to deliver the duplicate car key… “mumbled Mukesh.

Moral of The Story :
A two bed room flat is better. So guys, be happy in your tiny flat….
it saves lots of hassles!

Hotel Karnataka: Kingsley Jegan Joseph

June 21, 2016

On a dark desi highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of parottas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, saw a lorry headlight
My eyes grew squinty and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
Wearing nariyal tel
And I was thinking to myself,
“I’d like Pav Bhaji or maybe some Bhel”
Then she brought me the menu, but current went away
There were voices from the bathroom door,
I thought I heard them say…

Welcome to the Hotel Karnataka
Oottaa aayithaa? (Oottaa aayithaa?)
Oottaa aayithaa?
Ready full-meals at the Hotel Karnataka
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

They had tiffin and full-meals (no sharing with friends)
Akki Rotis and Neer Dosas, even – Gobi Manchurians
Maddur Vade and Mudde, Soooft Dosa Set,
Some meals to remember, sambar I’d like to forget!

So I called up the waiter,
“Swalpa neer kodappa”
He said, “We don’t have enough to give, if you’re from south of Cuddapah”
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say…

Welcome to the Hotel Karnataka
Oottaa aayithaa? (Oottaa aayithaa?)
Oottaa aayithaa
Order full-meals at the Hotel Karnataka
Unlimited rice (Unlimited rice)
PaLya on the side

She asked “What’re you eating?”
Said, “I love your thunder thighs”
She said, “Chaplili hoduthini naayi”, and rolled her big brown eyes
And on the hotel TV
Dr. Raj is tempting fate
It’s too early if you come today
But tomorrow? That’s too late!

Last thing I remember, I was
Running to the door
I had to Google Maps it back
To Marathalli by four
“Relax, ” said the watch man,
“This is Bangalore traffic, see?
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!”

No one…

January 14, 2015

No one hunts for a job any more. They explore options.
No one does a job anymore. They work in spaces.
No one is creative anymore. They think out of the box.
No one is a spoilt child anymore. They only have developmental issues.
No one is shy any more. They only have social anxiety.
No one is interesting in something any more. They are into it.
No one talks to anyone anymore . They engage with the others.
No one does something from now on. They do it going forward.
No one feels something any more. They have emotional experiences.
No one agrees with you any more. They hear you.
No one understands your point of view any more. They can see where you are coming from.
No one dislikes what I’ve just written. They give me analytical feedback.

Please add your own favourite phrases…

Al Literation

December 25, 2014

A friend said, “More than a decade ago, you’d produced a list of ‘Arab’ words, beginning with ‘al’….let’s have the list again!”

I can’t remember too many, but here are the ones that I do:

Lazy Arab: Album
Arab who prefers men: Algae
Arab who likes stripes: Algebra (the interesting part about this word is that, truly, the world algebra is derived from the word for zero…al-sifr..you can “hear” the “siro” becoming ziro, to zero, to zebr to gebr to gebra!)
Arab who likes the US (is there such a one?) Alabama (or even Alobama 😀 )
Arab losing hair: Alopaecia
Arab unity: Altogether
Arab twins: Alike
Arab tragedy: Alas
Arab world: Alok
Arab memory loss: Alzheimer
Nearing the end of this list: Almost Done!

I’m amazed that my friend remembers this list… I’d tot(al)ly forgotten it!

Things that tickled me

December 20, 2014

I love spotting funny signs..and here are a few!

Notice that the palm tree has been left alone 😀

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Corporte?

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A biblical sign, thanks to peeling paint!

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Subtle mistake, it *almost* sounds right!

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“She is my green beauty”!

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This one just says, “kannadigA” (one who belongs to Karnataka)

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Another anti-woman one (tranlsation by my friend Chandan)

Journey is towards Love,
But Girl is towards wealth
Mother’s milk is strength to the arms,
A girls kiss is dangerous to the pocket

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Not married?

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Pavilion can sometimes be a tough word:

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The royal flush:

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Poor guy, having lost of girls…

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Still smiling…