Posts Tagged ‘forward’

Multilingual humour

June 28, 2017

What do you call a bee that comes from America?

USB

What do you call a lady who drinks only one tea in a day?

Jaswanti

Why don’t people clap in Afghanistan?

Because of ‘Tali-ban’

How do you ask your ‘Maasi’ to take a dip in water?

Diplomacy!😀😀

How do you say “she is calling a cab” in one word?

Vocabulary

Which Pakistani cricketer does not have a date of birth?

Umar Gul

What you call a fat girl waiting at the Bus Stop.

MOTIVATING.

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Mr Mathrubhootham and airline travel, 150417

April 15, 2017

Dear Sir/Madam,

I write to you following a conversation I have just had with one of my grandchildren. I call him Arun. But his real name is some modern confusion that his parents found on the Internet. Aryamaan or Antenna or Aquarium or something like that. I only call him Arun. Because at most I have 10 good years left on this earth and I can’t waste eight of those trying to address him or his sister Shamiana.

So Arun came running a few minutes ago and showed me a WhatsApp video of a passenger being dragged off a plane in the United States. In the video you can see that he has been hurt quite severely. Poor fellow.

“Can you believe this?” Arun asked me.

“Keep quiet,” I told him, “and look at all the other passengers. Look at how they are sitting with so much discipline!”

Arun grabbed his phone and went away complaining that I lacked humanity for other people. As if he has been building free hospitals for the downtrodden with his bare hands since the age of 6.

Sir/madam, if there is any aspect of human life in which I would sanction the use of excessive force, it is air travel. From the very moment you step into an airport you come face to face with the very worst examples of humanity.

Some months ago I had the opportunity to take a short flight from Chennai to Bengaluru for a family function. First I had to show my passport and ticket to enter the airport. Then I had to show my ticket but not passport to stand in a line. At the end of the line a third fellow wanted to see my passport and ticket to give me a boarding pass. Then a fourth policeman wanted to see boarding pass but not passport, and my ticket he treated with contempt. And then I told Mrs. Mathrubootham that she can go to Kochi by herself, I am going back home because even Veerappan was not investigated so much.

But she persuaded me and I proceeded to the departure hall. There I approached a pleasant young lady in a modest shop and purchased two vegetarian samosas and two cups of tea. For this I paid so much money that I told my wife that we will share one samosa and keep the other one in bank locker in case of any family emergency. Shameless black-marketing.

And finally I met the worst of the worst: other passengers. Sir/madam, never in my life have I met a group of people dedicated to the act of doing the exact opposite of what they are told. Ask them to stand up and they will sit down. Ask them to sit down and they will stand up. Ask for only families to board, and every single bachelor will run. Ask them to keep boarding pass ready and they will hold in their hands every piece of paper from their life including passport, ticket, PAN Card, Aadhaar card, marriage certificate, Padayappa matinee ticket, but not boarding pass.

Things only got worse on the flight. One young couple sitting in front of me, perhaps on honeymoon, were behaving as if they are one of those insects that come out in the rainy season and have only fifteen minutes to produce children before dying. My wife spent the entire flight reading the air-sickness bag.

Finally, when I reached Kochi the airline informed me that my bag was still in Chennai. It is OK, I said, I will buy a whole new wardrobe after selling this samosa.

Sir/madam, therefore you will understand why I am not entirely against better discipline in the field of air travel. Of course there should be no violence or dragging or bleeding and all that. Maybe just a little bit in case of emergency.

Yours in exasperation,

J Mathrubootham

Suburban Gardening…and God

December 10, 2014

GOD AND ST. FRANCIS DISCUSSING LAWNS
GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?”
ST. CATHERINE: “Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a really stupid movie about…..
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

बड़ा महत्व है….

June 6, 2014

ससुराल में साली का
बाग़ में माली का
होंठो में लाली का
पुलिस में गाली का
मकान में नाली का
कान में बाली का
पूजा में थाली का
खुशी में ताली का——बड़ा महत्व है

फलों में आम का
भगवान में राम का
मयखाने में जाम का
फैक्ट्री में काम का
सुर्ख़ियों में नाम का
बाज़ार में दाम का
मोहब्ब्त में शाम का——-बड़ा महत्व है

व्यापार में घाटा का
लड़ाई में चांटा का
रईसों में टाटा का
जूतों में बाटा का
रसोई में आटा का—–बड़ा महत्व है

फ़िल्म में गाने का
झगड़े में थाने का
प्यार में पाने का
अंधों में काने का
परिंदों में दाने का—–बड़ा महत्व है

ज़िंदगी में मोहब्ब्त का
परिवार में इज्ज़त का
तरक्की में किसमत का
दीवानो में हसरत का——बड़ा महत्व है

पंछियों में बसेरे का
दुनिया में सवेरे का
डगर में उजेरे का
शादी में फेरे का——बड़ा महत्व है

खेलों में क्रिकेट का
विमानों में जेट का
शारीर में पेट का
दूरसंचार में नेट का—–बड़ा महत्व है

मौजों में किनारों का
गुर्वतों में सहारों का
दुनिया में नज़ारों का
प्यार में इशारों का——बड़ा महत्व है

खेत में फसल का
तालाब में कमल का
उधार में असल का
परीक्षा में नकल का—–बड़ा महत्व है

ससुराल में जमाई का
परदेश में कमाई का
जाड़े में रजाई का
दूध में मलाई का —–बड़ा महत्व है

बंदूक में गोली का
पूजा में रोली का
समाज में बोली का
त्योहारों में होली का
श्रृंगार में चोली का—–बड़ा महत्व है

बारात में दूल्हे का
हड्डियों में कूल्हे का
रसोई में चूल्हे का——-बड़ा महत्व है

सब्जियों में आलू का
बिहार में लालू का
मशाले में बालू का
जंगल में भालू का
बोलने में तालू का——-बड़ा महत्व है

मौसम में सावन का
घर में आँगन का
दुआ में दामन का
लंका में रावन का——-बड़ा महत्व है

चमन में बहार का
डोली में कहार का
खाने में अचार का
मकान में दीवार का—–बड़ा महत्व है

सलाद में मूली का
फूलों में जूली का
सज़ा में सूली का
स्टेशन में कूली का——बड़ा महत्व है

पकवानों में पूरी का
रिश्तों में दूरी का
आँखों में भूरी का
रसोई में छूरी का —-बड़ा महत्व है

LAST ONE

खेत में साप का
सिलाई में नाप का
खानदान में बाप का
और
Face book पर आप का—-
बड़ा महत्व है

This is rhyming doggerel and I can’t really translate it, sorry, non-Hindi reading folks!

How to identify artists!

March 7, 2014

Here

is a great way to identify artists, for all of us Philistines who can’t tell a Michaelangelo from a mudpack! I laughed all the way through.

Excellent exercise for people of any age…

February 27, 2014

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags.

Then try 50-lb. potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Simple Truths

February 6, 2014

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats”. But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

Other Simple Truths
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth:
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Kucch nagmE (some poems)

September 20, 2013

Thanks to Santosh Oak for these.

yehI wafA kA silA hai, tO kOI bAth nahin.
yeh dard thum nE diyA hai,tO kOI bAth nahIn.

This is the reward for loyalty. It doesn’t matter
You’ve given (me) this pain; it doesn’t matter

yehI bohot hai ke thum dekhtE hO sAhil sE.
safeena doob raha hai, tO kOI bAth nahIn

It’s enough that you are watching from the shore.
The boat is sinking; it doesn’t matter.

rakhA thA makAn-e-dil mEin chhupA kE thumkO.
Woh makAn tumnE chhOd diyA hai,tO kOI bAth nahIn.

I’d hidden you in the house of my heart.
You broke that house; it doesn’t matter.

thum hI nE AyInA-e-dil mErA banAyA thA
thum hI nE thOd diyA hai,tO kOI bAth nahIn.

It was you who made a mirror of my heart.
It’s you who broke it; it doesn’t matter

kis kI majAl kahE kOi mujh kO dIwAnA
agar yEh thumnE kahA,tO kOI bAth nahIn

Who has the courage to say I’m a madman?
If it’s you who say so, it doesn’t matter.

*********
therE husne kE hum dIwAnE hO gayE
thuhjhE apnA banAthE banAthE hum khud sE begAnE hO gayE
na chhOdnA mujhE thU, aey zAlim
therE karIb Akar hum duniyA sE dUr hO gayE

I’ve gone crazy over your smile
In making you mine, I’ve become a stranger to myself
Don’t leave me, O cruel one
I’ve come close to you and left the world far behind

**********

milan kI rut sE mohbbat kO tarasnE wAlOn,
akElE baitth kE rOnA bhI pyAr hOthA hai.

To those who are thinking of love as the moment of meeting,
Sitting alone and weeping is also love.

*************

jab dEkhA unhOnE tirchI nazar sE,
kasam khudA kI, madhOsh hO gayE ham

When she looked with that sidelong glance,
By God, we were entranced

par jab pathA chalA, nazar permanent tirchi hai…
thO wohIn khhadE-kbhadE behOsh hI gayE ham.

But when we realized that she’s cross-eyed…
We fainted as we stood there!

**************

AnkhOn mEin namI thI,
aur vitamin kI kamI thI..
jis sE rAth bhar chatting kI
wOh girlfriend kI mummy thI..

My eyes were moist,
And weakened with a lack of vitamins.
The one I’d chatted to all night
Was my girlfriend’s mother…

******************

kOI patthar sE nA mArE
mErE dIwAnE kO…
nuclear power kA zamAnA hai,
bomb sE udA dO sAlE kO.

(2 lines from a famous movie song from “jawAnI dIwAnI”:

let not anyone stone my love:
It’s the day of nuclear power, kill the sob with a bomb.

***************

tAj mehal kyA chIz hai,
issE badi imArath banAUngA.
Mumtaz thO mar kE dafan huI thI.
tujhE thO mein zindA dafnAUngA.

The Taj Mahal is nothing great.
I’ll make a bigger monument than that for you.
Mumtaz was interred there after she died:
I can inter you alive.

****************

hasIn kE liyE gam kurbAn,
khushI kE liyE AnsU kurbAn,
dOstb kE liyE jAn bhI kurbAn,
aur agar dOstj kI girlfreind mil jAyE thO…
sAlA dOsth bhI kurbAn.

Pain can be sacrificed for one who smiles;
Tears can be sacrificed for happiness;
Life itself can be sacrificed for a friend;
And if one can get the friend’s girlfriend,
Then…the friend can also be sacrificed.

*********************

thOppik-karaNam!

September 18, 2013

The internet forward which gave me this link mentioned that it was a traditional Indian “punishment” for children…”uthak-baithak” (get up and sit down). But in south India, especially in Tamil Nadu, this is a form of obeisance to the Elephant God, Ganesha. We call it “thOppik-karaNam” (the “karaNam” part, meaning ear, refers to the holding of the ears cross-wise by the opposing hand.)

Certainly worthy trying if it’s going to improve my brain power! I’m starting with 10 every day…taking me back to my childhood!

The blood group must be your motto…….B+ .

September 9, 2013

There’s nothing the matter with me,
I’m just as healthy as can be,

I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.

I’m overweight and I can’t get thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I’m all right.

My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin.
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Old age is golden I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.

And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!

But really I don’t mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.

If my name is missing, I’m therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.

It is better to say “I’m fine” with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.